letting it out

i can never sleep. whenever i try to just lay down and relax and go to sleep, my mind starts wandering and eventually gets to Johne, and then there's no sleep. i have to either do something to occupy my mind until i just fall asleep doing it (like reading, watching a movie,etc.) or just stay up so late that i can't stay awake anymore.

this is what's been making me think all day. last night i took a stupid myspace quiz and it asked "who is the last person you told a secret to?"...

i know it's johne. he's the only person i could tell a secret to.

there's not really anyone i can talk to. i feel so alone.

it's times like this at night, when i'm up by myself all alone that i think about life and wonder what the point is.

i just feld i needed to talk this out so it wouldn't get all couped up and then blast out all at once. about a week ago, me and stephen went to bed, and i just suddenly started bawling thinking about Johne and how much i miss him. i felt like a lunatic, because stephen kept asking what was wrong, but i couldn't even talk.

i just can't stand it.

I miss you so much

it seems to be late at night when it hits the hardest. you should be here. it's not fair. i still just can't believe it. it hurts so much to think about you not being here playing guitar hero, laughing absurdly, eating cookies, playing super smash bros...

it's just so hard to remember that it's ok for you. where you are. and later it will seem like we didn't have to wait so long, but right now it feels like forever.

i love you.

You are still and always will be my one and only laugher. my johne.

Description

This blog is dedicated to my best friend Johne who died in a hiking accident on April 25, 2009. I miss him so much. This is mostly a place to help me get through because I can never go very long without thinking about him, and maybe this outlet will help me. I may not post often. It will just be when I think I need to talk or vent.

I had started a blog like this on tumblr and have decided to do move it here because it will be much simpler since I plan on having 2 more blogs. Here are the posts I had on Tumblr.

Johne

I look at stuff people write on his facebook wall and see how much help he was to other people. Sometimes i just think about how unfair it is. So many people still need him here. ahhhh i miss him like crazy…

maybe it's ok

of course, no matter what bad things happen, i’d rather have johne still alive.
but there’s been a few things that have happened that i’m also glad he’s not here to see.
idk all about how heaven works, but atleast now if he knows, i’m sure he doesn’t have time to be bitter and angry. *sigh* but it makes me very bitter and i can’t stand it.